Wishing things were different

But they're not.

10/6

 

So the days aren't perfect.  That's fine.

 

I'm learning to deal with what is reality.  And reality seems to change each day. 

 

Yesterday, our reality was that we both had some testing for our hearts.  Cliff had seen a cardiologist to get okayed for his foot surgery later in the month and was scheduled for an echocardiagram.  I was scheduled for one too by our PCP and also for a 48 hour halter.  The appointments pretty much took up any free time we might have had in a day.

 

After we were done, we traded meals with Corry and Angel.  They had made too many pork steaks, potatoes and cauliflower and I'd overdone it with chili.  It was fun to have an awesome meal that I didn't even have to cook!  Maybe we should do that on purpose sometimes.

 

Then out to camp to load up some more.  We're selling both campers (shout out if you are in the market and we'll talk about it) and I want to get all the things in them both home.  Of course there isn't a place to put it all so for now, it's in totes and crates and will probably be in boxes and bags too in the basement.  I'll deal with it as I can through the winter.

 

We took the load home and then took the flatbed to Rusty.  He's doing his siding and was going to load the old on it to take for recycling.  Gotta hand it to him.  When he decides to take on a project, he digs in with both hands and keeps on keepin on till the job is done and done nicely.  It's really looking good!

 

Finding a way to sleep was real fun.  Sure it was!  I'm already hooked up to the C-pap and then add to that all the wiring of this halter....  I look like a construction project!  And the little tabs are making me break out and itch.  I knew they would.  Last one I had, about 15+ years ago did too.  Most adhesive does.  I ended up feeding the strap on the little bag that holds the machine part through the arms of my nightgown.  Good thing we don't have company!!  The wire pulls the front of the gown up and the pouch through the gown holds the top of it down.  Real cute. 

 

I slept okay though not real good.  But you just can't stay in bed forever.  So up and at 'em!  My mouth was so, so dry.  I hate that.  It glues shut and it's hard to get it wet and normal.  And yes.  I do have an appointment about that too.  I think I have an appointment for everything!!

 

I made some of the doctor appointments I needed to and have just a couple left to make.  I was disappointed that the doctor Rusty had for his surgery isn't part of the doctors I'm able to use for bariatric surgery.  I'll have to see another guy.  I know he's done good for a couple friends.  I just really, really wanted Rusty's doctor.

 

I saw the knee doctor today.  She is going to get the okay from the insurance folks to do the gel injections.  It's a serious of three injections.  Hopefully it will last a while.  We talked about the knee and also a little about the back and hip and decided waiting until after weight loss surgery would be best.  So the gel will hopefully get me through it.

 

Got the office done today too.  Snacks are there, juices there, bed made.  Still want to find a little lamp for by the bed and sweep.  Then done.  I think the lamp on the piano will work.

 

Piano.  Sounds like it's gone to taker #2.  #1 had to back out because the landlord said no.  #2 will be calling to come by soon.  She also wants the changing table.

 

I didn't do cooking today.  Just warming up.  Except for the apple cinnamon bread.  Took three muffin mixes and made them a loaf instead.  Tasted good even if I only ate a little, little bit. 

 

I'm having a really rough time of it tonight with this knee o' mine.  Oh boy.  When she asked if I felt like the pain was calling for another shot, I told her no, I could make it until the gel injections.  I am rethinking that right about now.  I think I needed it. 

 

10/7 and 10/8

 

Let's roll this into one.  Some of you know why.  For others this is brand new news as it was for me when it happened. 

 

Emmi and I decided we would ride with Cliff on one of his delivery runs that was called to him extra.  It would work out because it would be on our way to go get Kennedy.  We got ready and got into the van.  Oh MAN my knee hurt!  I took medicine because I could hardly even pull my leg into the van.  It was that bad.  Bone on bone is not a fun thing.  I really should have accepted that offer of another cortisone injection while we wait for the gel to be okayed.

 

I started getting sick about half an hour later.  Thinking it was my sugar, I ate three peanut butter crackers.  That didn't do it.  I dove for the one starlight mint in my purse.  Nada.  No help.  Cliff asked if I thought I needed something else.  I couldn't make up my mind but ended up telling him a cheeseburger.  We went through McDonald's, he got the burger and I was way out of it and couldn't look at it without feeling like I was gonna barf. 

 

He took me to the ER where he works, the closest place to where we were.

 

Well my heart was doing all sorts of weird things and I made mention of this little feeling in my chest at my sternum that felt like someone pushed me gently.  That was enough for them and they shipped me off to the hospital via ambulance. 

 

They admitted me to the floor right away and hooked me up to monitors.  I told them my sugar was probably way off since all I'd had that day was a piece of date nut bran bread and the three crackers and mint.  After a while of getting me settled and wired for sound, they brought me a tray that was a left over.  Welllll it wasn't what I should be eating but I ate some of it.  I gave the cookies to Cliff, ate the scalloped potatoes and veggies and a few bites of the fish.  I was afraid the fish might do me in like often happens.  I didn't get anything else until about 11PM.  Graham crackers and a muffin that was so, so sweet I didn't want it. 

 

Now naturally, with not eating properly, my sugar was whacked out.  Stayed that way all day today too.  I'll explain why in a few.  My blood pressure wasn't real good either since I was scared spitless!!

 

They scheduled me for a stress test for this morning.  I got down there, they started doing the first part, the ultrasound, and called the cardiologist.  Nope.  With blah blah blah on the echo I'd done Tuesday and bloah blah blah on the halter I turned in on Thursday, a better choice was a ....  I dunno.  Starts with an "L" and is in nuclear medicine.  I found out it's a two day test and they don't do it on Sundays so again I was stressing to the max.  I had SO much going!  [Looked it up.  Lexiscan is what it's called.]

 

It took a lot of people to okay it, but after doing the resting part of the test this morning, they decided I could do the second part on Monday as an out patient.  Yay.  I'd be able to go to the airport to pick up my sister AND I'd be able to actually visit AND I'd be able to go to the kids' birthday party tomorrow.  It's Mark and Morgan's birthday and I didn't want to miss it.

 

My meals today were wonky too.  I don't know what gives with the planning, but I made no choices so it wasn't me.  My breakfast, supposedly low sugar, no added salt, low sodium, diabetic, 1800 calorie was a dried up piece of French toast.  They brought smart balance, which would have been gross on it and no syrup of any kind.  I know they make diabetic syrup.  You'd think if they were going to give you the toast you'd get the syrup.  Nope.  They gave me a fruit cup with juice.  Really??  And turkey sausage.  Oh yea.  I forgot how loooow in sodium sausage is!  right  And orange juice.  Well that meal didn't cut it.  I ate the sausage because I was starved and ate the fruit trying to not get any of the juice.  Didn't do the juice and tried one little bite of the dead French toast and decided it was a no.  So I was still very hungry and had only had carbs pretty much!  NOT GOOD!  Then they gave me metformin and came to take my sugar 15 minutes later.  It was high.  Gee.  Wonder why.

 

Then came lunch.  It was very good but....  The meatloaf was covered in gravy.  Probably jar mix gravy which is filled with sodium.  The beans were good to me.  Very bland.  Could have added the Mrs. Dash but I chose not to.  I like them bland.  Then there was a roll.  No smart balance this time.  great  And there was a little thing of low fat ice cream.  Super.  But it does have sugar and sodium.  And a nice salad.  Fine except....  The whole meal had 685mg of sodium.  The dressing they send, fat free Italian, had 540mg of sodium.  So we didn't do but a couple drips of the dressing.  How do they figure that to be on the diet?  I don't have a clue.

 

The lady came up to plan my supper.  I was avoiding the carbs and asking for substitutions.  She looked at me and said, "You only have 3 carbs."  I wonder what her point was and told her I realized that but I'd like to go heavy on the vegs and not do all those carbs for choices.  She gave me a look and started writing.  Okie dokie. 

 

I didn't stay long enough to find out why my supper meal ended up being.  That's fine.  Didn't need to. 

 

I got home and we took the prescriptions to the pharmacy.  Super.  Can't get them until tomorrow morning.  I can handle the one but the nitro tablets better not be needed.  I think it was way better when the hospital actually sent you home with your first dose of things.  Doesn't happen anymore. 

 

I was pleased that I had a meal in the frig that was good for us.  I'd taken some very lean steak and crocked it with onion, mushrooms, garlic, carrots and thyme in red wine.  It was wonderful.  No salt.  Only carbs in the carrots.  No fat at all. 

 

We had contact with all the kids today.  It was great seeing pictures of the house Adam's girlfriend is building.  Even a little video.  Really enjoyed that.  Kris and Darlene stayed out at camp working hard to clean and pack up the campers.  That is an awesome help.  Time is growing short.  Corry and Angel brought us over another meal.  We'll probably eat it at noontime tomorrow.  Or I might have a little before heading up to bed.  We'll see.  Missy and Melanie came by to visit and Kennedy went back with her to do her homework (she'd stayed the night with her and left things at her house) after Kennedy went up and cleaned her room.  Rusty and Cait and Emmi came over to visit too. 

 

I love my family.  Ya, there are times when people piss and moan and argue.  We're pretty normal in that respect.  But I can count on everyone to really BE family when we need it to happen.  With everything going on this weekend and week, with my sister coming in tomorrow, the kids' birthdays tomorrow, all my doctor's appointments coming up and all Cliff's, all the unexpected excitement, my family stands strong and stands as one.  Thank you kids.  You are loved.

 

And so now you're caught up on life down Sage Lane.  The next weeks, maybe months or more, will be filled with doctor appointments.  This week alone, I have the test Monday, see a cardiologist Tuesday, have to go in for my new c-pap on Thursday and to the rheumatologist on Friday I think it is.  Next week looks busy too.  Couple that with Cliff's appointments and we will be spending a good part of our time with medical personel.  His surgery is the 21st to get the screws removed and it's none too soon.  He's really feeling them now.  I hope he gets some good relief once they're out.

 

Off I go now.  I've decided this will once again become my journal to keep track of all that's going on.  Mostly because I want to document all the things between now and me being skinny again.  Partly to remind myself that bad isn't all bad and good should be savored.

 

Hugs, all. 

 

~~Mama Sage

 

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning

But anyone can start today and make a new ending.

~~Maria Robinson